Release Day Interview: Snow White and the Seventeen Dwarfs by Ford Forkum

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Snow White

Happy Flag Day and Release Day to our resident satirist, Ford Forkum! To celebrate his new book, we’re interviewing Ford here on the blog today.

Well Ford, it looks like you’ve done it again! Another fairy tale falls under your pen, so to speak, and we’re left with a few questions for our favorite satirist:

First off, what kind of relationship do you have with your mirror? Does it tell you how stunningly handsome (or pretty – if you’d prefer) you are every day?

To put it bluntly, my mirror’s a jerk. No matter how much I try to convince it that I’m not getting older, it refuses to believe me. I don’t know why it insists on showing me stuff about myself I’d rather not see. One of these days, I’m going to get a hand-held mirror and hold it up to my bathroom mirror and say, “There! How do you like it?”

The satirical aspect of my writing is to “hold a mirror up to society,” and since my mirror obviously has no interest in sparing my feelings, I feel it’s only fitting to hold a mirror up to my mirror. Sauce for the gander and whatnot.

Do you like apples? When is the last time you ate one?

Fuji apples are my favorite. They’re the perfect apple; sweet, crunchy, and juicy with just the right level of tartness to yield a zip. I haven’t eaten any in a while, though.

If you happened to come across a beautiful woman lying in a glass casket and guarded by one or more dwarfs, what’s the first thing you’d think and do?

I’d probably look for signs that might indicate I’d wandered into some kind of fairground. If it turned out to be the case, I’d check out the scene, but if there was nothing else around, I would become very anxious and unable to decide whether to ask the dwarfs a ton of questions or just panic and run away.

Is there now, or has there ever been, a body behind your couch (living or dead)?

No, but that’s not to say there never will be. I’m not, you know, planning on it or anything. I’m just saying you never know. It can’t say it’s entirely out of the realm of possibility because I don’t own a crystal ball or anything that could help me predict the future. I mean, how do I really, truly know? I don’t. So it would be presumptuous of me to say to the readers, “Oh, there’s no way there would ever be a body behind my couch. That would never happen.” But I will say it’s unlikely, that is, given an ordinary set of circumstances.

Have you ever been so jealous of someone that you wanted to have their heart cut out? Do you know if anyone’s ever been that jealous of you?

Jealousy isn’t particularly a problem for me. At least not to the extent that I’d want to have someone’s heart cut out. Besides, cutting out hearts isn’t really my style. It’s too messy and doesn’t seem all that satisfying.

I can’t say for certain if anyone’s ever been jealous of me, but I couldn’t fathom why.

Bonus Question: Can you tell us what you’re working on next? Another fairy tale satire, or something entirely different?

I’m juggling a few ideas around, possibly a sequel to Alien Invasion of the Zombie Apocalypse (if five years isn’t too late for a sequel) and a Star Trek parody. It’s too early to tell which idea will find its way to being developed into a complete story but for the time being, that’s where my head’s at.

You’ll have to let us know how it goes with the whole mirroring mirrors thing. And the whole body-behind-the-couch thing too…

Available now on Amazon in
both print and digital formats!

Release Day: An Elemental Earth by Carol R. Ward

It’s here! An Elemental Earth – Book 4 of the Ardraci Elementals series by Carol R. Ward is now available for purchase!

An Elemental Earth Cover

If you’re not reading this series, you really should be! Available now in both digital and print formats – get your copy today:

Digital: Amazon | Smashwords (other retailers coming soon!)
Print: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository

Did you know you can win a print copy plus a surprise gift basket with related items? Go read our Author Interview with Carol R. Ward, and just follow the directions to enter the contest!

She’s trusted him with her secret, but can she trust him with her heart?

Chloe has spent her whole life feeling like an outsider because of her unique gifts. Now she has met someone whose gifts rival her own and it’s both thrilling and terrifying.

Zephryn never expected to meet anyone like Chloe when he came to this world. But he has a hidden agenda, an agenda that changes drastically once the Ilezie Da’nat discovers something about Chloe that shouldn’t be possible.

Excerpt:
The night air was cold, but the two moons provided enough light for Chloe to see where she was going. There was no danger of running into any search party Gannon might send out. He’d be working with sensors and radar maps, while she followed the path provided by the land itself.

It did not take her long to find the place where the object had struck. There was a long gash in the earth ending in a smoking hollow. Within the hollow was a ship – a ship unlike any Chloe had ever seen before. This was no mining vessel!

Filled with a sense of urgency she did not understand, she scrambled down into the hollow and located the hatch of the vessel. It opened easily beneath her touch and she hesitated before entering.

“Hello?” she called. “Are you all right in there?”

There was no answer, but the sense of urgency increased. Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, she cautiously entered. Dim lights came on as the door slid shut behind her, making her jump.

“Hello?” she called again. There was still no answer and she moved slowly towards the front of the craft. The short passage had several doors, but instinctively she knew what she sought was behind the door at its end.

It slid open automatically and she found the pilot, unconscious and still strapped into his seat. Chloe cursed under her breath. It was obvious he was larger than she was, how was she supposed to get him out of the ship, let alone away from here before Gannon arrived?

Anti-grav sled, a voice whispered in her mind.

Startled, she glanced around. “Who said that?”

Aft compartment.

The sense of urgency was almost unbearable. Chloe quickly left the cockpit and hurried to the aft compartment where she found the anti-grav sled that was used for moving heavy cargo. Towing it behind her, she returned to the front where she managed to free the pilot from his restraints and push him out of his seat and onto the sled.

“Sorry,” she said, wincing in sympathy as he hit the sled hard. There wasn’t a sound out of him. She really hoped she hadn’t added to his injuries.

The sled moved easily behind her, although she had to take an angled path out of the hollow to keep her passenger from sliding off. The sense of urgency increased as she saw lights tracing a grid like pattern in the distance. As she topped the rise just above the crash site, Chloe heard the voice again.

Conceal the ship.

“Mother?” she asked in a whisper, remembering Tierra telling her that Gannon must not find either the pilot or the ship.

Protect the ship.

Chloe turned to face the ship. Moonlight reflected in her eyes as they changed from brown to green and back again as she concentrated. The earth around the ship shivered and the ship slowly sank downwards. Once it was several feet below the surface, the gash in the earth repaired itself.

As Chloe faced forward and began dragging the sled behind her towards home, grass and weeds began growing in the bare earth where the gash had been. Plants sprang up behind her, covering her tracks away from the site.

Digital: Amazon | Smashwords (other retailers coming soon!)
Print: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository

Check out the other Books in this series: 

An Elemental Wind (Book 1)
An Elemental Fire (Book 2)
An Elemental Water (Book 3)

 

Cinderelleper Release Day & Contest Update

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Cinderelleper Cover

It’s finally here…the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Cinderelleper is now available for purchase in both ebook and paperback format! The ebook is exclusive to Amazon for now, but you can order the paperback online, or at your favorite bookstore.

Buy Digital: Amazon
Buy Print: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository

There are currently three eligible entrants to the contest for a print copy of Cinderelleper and gift basket. The entrants so far are:

Lia
Carol
Kit

The contest entry period has been extended to 7pm (MST) tonight, so there’s still time to read the interview with Ford, guess which question(s) he’s lying about, and get entered to win!

Buy the book. You won’t regret it!

Excerpt:
In the days leading up to the ball, Cinderelleper was mostly left alone by the other women of the house. They were too preoccupied with the ball to bother her despite their curiosity as to which part of her was going to fall off first.

But just before they left on the night of the ball, they made sure to parade themselves before her in their glorious ballroom attire. “Well, Cinderelleper,” the stepmother said. “We’re off to spend the evening at the palace for the royal ball in honor of his majesty, the prince.”

Cinderelleper remained motionless on her straw mat on the floor. “Have fun,” she replied, without a hint of enthusiasm. “I’ll just stay here and rot.”

“Well, after tonight, you can have the house to yourself, because your stepsisters and I are moving into the palace! Come on, girls! Let’s bag ourselves a horny prince!” They went up the basement stairs and out the front door.

The house was dark, save for the fireplace, and all was quiet. Cinderelleper sat up on her straw mat and looked up through the window at the starry night sky. Staring deep into space, she thought about her mother. “Soon, mother,” she whispered. “Soon we’ll be together again. If you’re with father, please punch him in the face for me. I miss you.”

As she stared, a cloud blocking the moon drifted slowly away, and the full moon shone down a beam of light so intense it made her squint and turn away. She rubbed her eyes for a few seconds and opened them to see a kindly old woman standing in front of her. “Hello, Ella,” the old woman said soothingly.

Cinderelleper rubbed her eyes again, but the old woman was either no hallucination or a very persistent one. She backed away until her back hit the wall. “Who are you?” she asked. “How did you get here?”

“I’m your fairy godmother,” the old woman replied. “And I’ve come from Fairy Godmotherland to help you save the kingdom!”

“Me? Save the kingdom?” Cinderelleper asked. “But I’m on death’s doorstep!”

“Ah, but there’s still time for you to fulfill a great destiny!”

“What destiny?”

“You see, dear, tonight the prince will choose a woman outside the royal family to be the princess. Your stepmother will stop at nothing to gain access to the royal family’s power. And if she succeeds in marrying off either of your stepsisters to the prince, the entire kingdom will fall to ruin!”